Paste it in the head!

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Sunday, September 24, 2006

Last night, I met Heather and her friend Colin at a restaurant on Bloor. Heather and Colin have known each other since they were babies and were catching up after not having seen each other in years. Colin spent a few years in Australia and Papua New Guinea, going to school and then living and working. When I got to the cafe, they'd already had a couple of drinks. I ordered a vodka cranberry and then the three of us shared a bottle of wine. We decided that, even though Heather and I are librarians and Colin spent the past year on a crazy island, we'd do Saturday night some justice and get shitty. We moved to the Green Room at about midnight, and proceeded to get just wasted.

Once you get to know me, I'm not shy. But sometimes I'll open up to someone when I barely know them, and I was so doing that with Colin. The three of us talked about all sorts of things: wacky parents, the trials and tribulations of moving home, sex and love. It turns out that Colin has a girlfriend in Australia and they're trying to decide whether or not she should move here. Somehow, Heather and I figured that we were in the right position to give someone else relationship/love life advice, and I'm pretty sure we poured it on thick. There were all kinds of sentences that started, "___________ (fill in the blank) does not a relationship make," and "How do you know you love her? You know you love her when ___________ (fill in the blank)." Oh man, we were in rare form. I'm pretty sure that we were all one drink away from declaring our undying love for one another. I probably would've made out with both of them at the same time, that's how lovey I was feeling. At the end of the night, Heather and I were both comforting Colin for something or other, and I actually started rubbing his arm. And not in a sexual way--just in a friendly, happy way. I'm never a mean drunk--I tend to get boisterous and outgoing when drinking--but I very, very rarely get all rainbows and puffy clouds on people.

The thing that makes me laugh about it today is that there is pretty much no way in hell that I'm qualified to give someone else relationship advice, and it amuses me that I considered myself to be an expert on such matters. I can't for the life of me figure out my own shit, let alone someone else's.

Case in point: I'm still somehow all tangled up with this stupid boy. Yeah, he gave me the time and space speech. Yeah, we broke up. We haven't seen each other in a week. We haven't talked on the phone. But we have been emailing each other, and I hate to say it, but I might have told him that we should keep emailing, get to know each other, and see how it goes. I also hate to admit it, but when he suggested that we get together before he goes on his epic China adventure, I agreed to do so. I might have told him that I still like him.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. I know intellectually that I should not be doing this. It's like playing with fire, and mama always said that when you do that, you're gonna get burned. And it makes me angry with myself because I can see the goddamn fire. It's not hiding; it's not covered up. It's right out there in the open, and every time I try to step away from it, something pushes me even closer than I was before. I tried to let Madonna talk some sense into me (You deserve the best in life / So if the time isn't right then move on / Second best is never enough / You'll do much better, baby, on your own) but even the Material Girl can't change the way I feel about this stupid guy.

I wish that I could do what's right, what my mind knows is right, and just walk away.

2 Comments:

  • Yes, there were far too many drinks for me. And did we actually have a conversation with some boy in the shwaarma place that included asking him how old he was? And did I actually say something along the lines of 'oh, you're just a baaaby'. Because I vaguely remember something like that. And I don't know what it is that make us think we can give relationship advice. Which is why, in this posting, I will not give you any.

    By Blogger heather., at 10:05 PM  

  • when it comes to relationships, i always just try to put me in my friends place. example, if i saw my friend in a situation like this, what advice would i give to her? sometimes, third person like, its easier to be strong. and by strong, i mean, not blinded by the sex and the instant gratification, and to hold out for the friendship and commitment and shared values.

    and if that fails, i just do want i want to do and don't beat myself up about it. life is short. live it up.

    just remember, you deserve the best.

    By Blogger al, at 11:07 PM  

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