Paste it in the head!


Saturday, September 16, 2006

Girl power

So, I got this email from boy today and it basically called into question our compatibility. If you think about it, what exactly is compatibility? Sometimes I think it's sharing interests and viewpoints and having similar values; sometimes, I think it's all about just accepting people for who they are, and rolling with whatever and whomever is sent your way.

With this guy, it was clear from the start that there were some pretty significant differences between us. My life has been fairly straightforward--I've gone from high school to college to grad school. I've done a little bit of traveling and I've lived in a couple of different cities, but I haven't done anything too out of the ordinary. His life, on the other hand, has taken him to some pretty interesting places, both emotionally and geographically. I don't want to talk too much about his childhood, in part cause I am a little fuzzy on the details, and in part because I think it might be too sensitive a subject for the internet. His military career, though, is fair game. He joined at the age of 18 and served for over 7 years. He's seen Croatia and Afghanistan in combat, and has been to various other countries while on leave. He doesn't have any education past high school, and I'd like to point out that this was never an issue with me. I firmly believe that having degrees is not an indicator of intelligence, though I think he sees things a bit differently.

One of the major differences between us is that he is physical and I am cerebral. He makes a very conscious effort to engage in rigorous physical activity and I... well, let's just say that I am not exactly good friends with the inside of the gym. However, I make an effort to eat well, and I walk everywhere and take the stairs. I enjoy hiking and swimming; I just don't go to the goddamn gym, nor do I plan on changing that anytime soon.

Here's what I am--intelligent and irreverent and serious, a lot of the time. Somehow, I think that my seriousness got misinterpreted as sadness--before he left yesterday morning he said that he wanted me to be happy, and when I protested, saying that I didn't see myself as a miserable person, he said (and I quote):
"Well, I guess you don't see it."

Excuse me?

How in the name of hell can someone who has known me for less than a month make such a strong call on what is apparently a fundamental aspect of my personality? Is it because i told him I have depression and anxiety? If so, I'm glad he didn't meet me two or three years ago, when I was really in a shitty place. It may have taken me 25 years, but I am very, very aware of the fact that I am NEVER going to be happy-go-lucky. It's not who I am, it's not how I was raised. If you don't like it, don't be in my life. It's as simple as that.

So, he wrote in his email that he was concerned about our compatibility, and mentioned in his email that he wanted to hear my thoughts and feelings on the situation, so I wrote him this response

How long have you been feeling that our differences equal an inherent
incompatibility so strong that it will end in resentment on both of
our parts? Obviously, we are two different people, but I am having a
hard time understanding when you decided that our differences are that
strong. However, you've made it pretty clear in the past couple of
weeks that I'm not "nice" (read "bland"?) enough for you, nor do I
have the right approach to spirituality and exercise. If you are
looking for a docile, demure, cheerleader-type girl who prays in
between marathons, that's not who I am and I will not apologize for
it. Also, I'm pretty sure that from the night we met, I never even
tried to give you the impression that I was anything other than who I
am. Honestly, I want to date someone who likes me for who I am, even
though I have depression and I'm serious and despite the fact that I
don't work out. You're right—I'm not going to change. As for you, I
never thought you should change. I never thought that the things that
make you different from me were problematic.

I debated being less sarcastic, but how could I resist?

When I received his email, Alli and Kristen were over, and Lorien was home (I have a roommate again, thank God), and I'd like to say that I LOVE my friends. I love that they are so supportive of me. It makes all of this so much easier, knowing that they do like me for who I am, and can call bullshit on someone who isn't willing to accept me.

Not to mention that we (see above plus Heather) spent the day shopping (those of you in Toronto, get thee to my new favorite thing. You can thank me tomorrow, and we'll compare goodies) and eating gorging ourselves at Red Lobster.

So, thanks, ladies, for making my life that much better, and for reminding me that 1) we all make mistakes, and 2) there ain't nothing wrong with me that a little shopping and seafood can't fix.


  • Dude, you're great the way you are. Screw the stupid, emotionally conflicted, condescending, killer boy.

    By Anonymous Lorien, at 10:38 AM  

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