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Spinster

Saturday, April 15, 2006

You've got to be kidding

Ok. This story illustrates what I've always suspected--men are total idiots.

When I got up this morning, I went downstairs to get the paper. Susie (a.k.a. Floozy), my landlady's dog, was all excited and worked up and as Lorien and I are taking care of her for a few days, I felt really bad and decided to take her for a walk. I just threw on a fleece and a pair of shoes and pulled my hair back, but otherwise I was totally in my pajamas and I hadn't brushed my hair or washed my face or anything. There are a bunch of parks in my neighborhood so I just planned on taking her for a quick walk to one of them, and definitely not on running into anyone on the way.

Now, Susie is little and white and fluffy and cute, and I'm used to people striking up conversations with me when I walk her, and duh, dogs are total people magnets, but normally men don't see girls IN THEIR PAJAMAS walking princess dogs and think, "Now, that's a chick I need to talk to." I'm pretty sure that princess dogs are NOT guy magnets. Correct me if I'm wrong. Anyway, so apparently most normal men don't approach scrubby girls in pajamas with princess dogs, except for completely bald, 40-something, very strangely accented men on bikes. (An aside--this guy's accent was like Glaswegian-Canadian or something. Glaswegian is probably one of the most unintelligible accents in the English-speaking world. So when you're talking to a Glaswegian in Glasgow and you're clearly not Scottish so you're the odd one out, and your complete inability to understand what the other person is saying is made all the more pathetic by the fact that intellectually you know that they're speaking English, but you cannot for the life of you decipher the strange cadence and unfamiliar slang of the accent, essentially, you're looking at each other across the saddest language barrier in the world. Basically, you find yourself thinking, "Fuck, I can understand Cuban Spanish better than I can understand this guy," and the other person is looking at you like, "I fucking hate Americans." Yeah, that pretty much sucks.) Um, so anyway. So this guy on a bike stops and strikes up a conversation with me that went something like this:

Guy on bike: Mumble, mumble...little dog.
Me: What?
Guy on bike: [Something unintelligible] cute little dog.
Me: Oh, yeah, well, she's not mine.
Guy on bike: But you already know that.
Me [thinking]: What? Fuck.
Guy on bike: You know what those little dogs are called?
Me [relieved that this is a question I can understand and answer]: What?
Guy on bike: Babe beggars. [At least, I think that's what he said. Keep in mind that this is the first conversation of the day and that 20 minutes earlier I was still asleep, and I haven't had my tea and that pretty much means that I'm not human yet.]
Me: Oh. Yeah, I guess.
Guy on bike: But you already knew that, didn't you?
Me: Sure did.

What the fuck? Seriously.

3 Comments:

  • When I think of Scottish people, my first thought is Fat Bastard. Imagining him on a bike trying to scam with a cheesy pickup line is pretty f'in funny.

    By Blogger McGeekan, at 1:26 PM  

  • Dude when did you become this guy magnet?

    By Blogger Aundra, at 3:56 PM  

  • i think it was when she stated smiling...

    By Blogger al, at 2:49 PM  

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