Paste it in the head!


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Petty as I wanna be

For some reason I am in a petty mood today. I thought lots of bad things in my head as I walked to work, and I was listening to Led Zeppelin which usually gets my blood in a boil, for better or worse. Here are some of my thoughts:

Ok. There is sidewalk etiquette, people! The sidewalk, contrary to popular belief, does not belong to you and you alone. Draw an imaginary line down the middle: half of it belongs to you and half of it belongs to me. To clarify, the right half belongs to me and the left half belongs to you when we are walking in opposite directions. Why? Because we drive on the right-hand side of the road. So, even if you are walking with your kid/dog/grandmother/5 of your best friends, I still get half of the sidewalk, and I want the right half. That means that you will have to relinquish control, which I know you don't want to do, but you know what? It will make you a better person in my eyes, and that should be motivation enough. And if it isn't, I'll zap you with my Taser.

And another thing. The SickKids people really annoy me sometimes, with their "Do you have time for SickKids today?" line. Clearly, these people do not know me AT ALL. I don't even like healthy kids, and the thought of sick ones kind of grosses me out. However, that is not what this rant is about. It's not about the sick kids, it's about the SickKids people. They stand there with their dumpy vests and baggy sweatshirts, their 3-ring binders of hope, their long unkempt hair, and they expect pedestrians to stop and give them money? WTF?

Ok. I'll tell you what pedestrians will stop for--hot chicks and dudes with beer. They need to ditch the ugly vests and get some tank tops (low-cut for the ladies) that say SickKids (or whatever) across the chest. Their employers need to provide them with brushes, combs, and mirrors and have a mandatory hair-brushing/mirror check once an hour. There needs to be a full keg of cheap Canadian beer and those red plastic party cups. There needs to be a big sign that says "Free beer with every donation" and in very small print, this caveat: "Five dollar minimum donation." The hotties could work as crowd bait--throw a sexy woman in a tank top and shorts out into a crowd and I guarantee that you will have more donations than you could shake a stick at. I mean, shit, even I will stop for a hot woman. (Although I'd rather stop for a hot man. Even though I didn't yesterday--there was a totally hot SickKids guy who wanted my attention but seriously, any guy who seems like he might be too much of a do-gooder, particularly when kids are involved, sets off some major alarm bells. But then when he told me to smile, I did like the dancing monkey that I am. Whatever. You would have too cause I'm telling you, the guy was smokin'.) Anyway, enough about me. The less-hotties could man the booth and pour the beer.

We all know that sex appeal is like the easiest way of getting money from people. Why do these charities or whatever they are not use this information for their own purposes? Why am I not in charge of everything?


  • OMG..the binder people!! There is a plague of them in downtown Portland. They try to get you to save the children/forests/whales/what have you and then make you feel guilty if you don't. "Come on, I can see that you just went shopping at Banana must be able to spare some money." Jesus!!! They make me so mad! And they always seem to congregate outside of places that I need to go into. I'm going to stop ranting now before I explode. Thank you.

    By Blogger Kristen, at 12:54 PM  

  • Yeah, they prey on those emerging from Whole Foods, knowing that if a person was health/environment/animal conscious enough to patron an overpriced, save the world food establishment - then they will automatically open their wallets to save a starving child. (I shop at Whole Foods - I am SO one of those people) I decided about a month ago that I would interrupt their schpeal and ask them if they "had ever accepted Jesus into their heart" -- that'll show them some guilt and alienation.

    Ever since the pact with myself, I have not run into one. I guess the fates don't want me to evangelize near Whole Foods.


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:07 PM  

  • Whoops....that last comment was me.

    By Anonymous Ninon, at 2:07 PM  

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